May 16, 2008

I know a woman who has two children and feels guilty because she wants a third. She feels guilty because she lives in the world of academia and thinks she is being too primitive or something in wanting to simply mother children as opposed to being a capitalistic force with which to reckon.

I know a woman who has five children and feels her place is in the home. Her husband likes to spend more money than they have, so she recently became an employee at a place she likes. She doesn't feel her children are getting the care and attention they deserve and so she and her husband argue.

I know a woman who has four children. She thinks it's disgusting for an older woman with children to get into a relationship with a younger man. She says she'd be extremely angry if one of her sons "raised some other man's kids." All of her children were born out of wedlock. Her lover is the father of her youngest child and they've been together almost 20 years now...since her sons were toddlers.

I know a woman who had two children, got divorced, then remarried. She often seemed to wish she didn't have the children from the first marriage. She often seemed to wish she could have started over without all the baggage. She sometimes said things to the oldest child that implied the child should be grateful she was allowed to stay with the "good" husband.

I know a woman. She lives with unnecessary pain. And, some say, "What is life without suffering?" And, I say, "Suffering is a choice and it seems you've chosen to allow us as many opportunities to suffer as possible."

I just want to cut down on the opportunities. That's all.

May 14, 2008

more on virginity

Interestingly enough, I came across the term "virgin" in a different book. I recently finished The Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd. (Good read. I recommend it.) She researched "virgin" and found out that in the past, it had nothing to do with being sexually inexperienced. To say a woman was a virgin was to say that the woman belonged to herself. She was independent. No man claimed her.

I think I knew this before, but forgot.

She went on to explain how women would bathe to restore their virginity (more explanation than The Holy Book gives) and once again I felt full of...I don't know...hope? power? peace?

One thing I know is that I've never been comfortable belonging to a man. I was married. Whenever anyone referred to me as "so-and-so's wife", a part of me would shrink back. It took a few marriage licenses for me to go through with the wedding even though the entire thing was my idea. Growing up, I'd always envisioned myself in a house full of children, but I never had a man with me. I never had a husband.

Lately, I've been working out what it must mean that I've never wanted a man in my life. I like having sex with them. Sure. But, beyond that, I've never understood why anyone would want one around for long periods of time.

I think, though, that for so long, I was afraid of what my lack of desire for a man meant. I knew I liked them (in general), I knew they were entertaining, but I also knew I didn't want to live with one forever. I often tried to imagine the ex and I growing old together and I never could. I can imagine myself old just fine, though. I look forward to it.

And, now...now, I'm mateless and I really enjoy it. Males require mothering and I don't want to mother anyone unless I'm it's actual mother. Males require attention and after about an hour, I want them to either shut up or point me to the bedroom. Whenever I think about living with an adult, it's always a female. I know there are women who truly enjoy the men they live with, but I have never been one of them. I didn't enjoy my fathers, my brothers, my past lovers, my ex-husband. Not for long periods of time. I liked them in spurts; then, I wanted them to go away.

It wasn't until I was actually married that I started to wonder why I never saw myself with a man long-term. I think I thought that bringing one into my life on a permanent basis (I was convinced we'd be married for at least 50 years) was going to change that. I think I thought that doing it would be the antidote to not wanting it. I think I thought something was wrong with me that I didn't want or need a man in my life.

And, I think my mother may be to blame.

My mother had a father, but he was married to a woman who was not her mother. He had children with his wife. He visited my mother, showing her the gifts he had for his other children. She hated him. Of course, that's not true. She was angry with him and she loved him fiercely, but she could never admit that to herself. She wanted a father. She felt like she mattered less because she didn't have one in her home and because of how he treated her during his visits.

I grew up being told what a man had to do for me to be worth my time. I grew up hearing that to have a child while unmarried was the most heinous of sins. I grew up knowing that my mother would disown me if I ever had a child out of wedlock.

Of course, I did it, anyway. Twice. I lied to her about it. Then, we stopped speaking. Then, something in me felt evil and wrong and it wasn't me...it was my mother. But, I didn't know that at the time.

All I knew was that I wanted babies. Lots of them. And, there was no point in buying sperm when the streets are flooded with it. I had a guy who took care of me. He was an asshole, but arguing with him helped me feel like a strong woman. Our arguments helped me prove to myself that I was independent and no man could rule me. Eventually, our arguments only proved how wrong we were for each other. I had children to raise and they deserved better than the male role model I had given them. I left him.

I took back my virginity.

Recently, a man told me I'm looking for a prince to come in and sweep me off my feet. I laughed. I told him he was wrong, but he disagreed. Whenever we are together, he insists I have a man somewhere. A man I belong to. A man I answer to. He insists because the alternative...that I truly belong to no man because I choose not to...is too much for his classically territorial and sexist mind to grasp. If a woman doesn't want a man, what does that mean for a man? That's what he wonders. I see it in his eyes when he stares at me while we kiss.

I feel sorry for all the men who have been convinced that they are worth being in relationships with simply because they exist. The world has not prepared them for real life. The world has not prepared them for real women.

I have a new understanding of what it means to take someone's virginity. And, I know it's not possible to take mine. It never has been.


May 5, 2008

New Moon in Taurus

I love doing my New Moon rituals. Since they're monthly, they add another pulse to my daily life. In keeping up with the phases of the Moon, I really do feel more of the life I'm living.

For me, acknowledging the feminine this way is encouraging and peacemaking. I also acknowledge my shadow self when I reflect upon the Moon in all her glories. I love the reminder that the Moon provides: spend time in your shadow self, just don't get stuck there.

For a while, I would get so worried about what it meant for me to feel incredibly angry at people and the choices we make. I worried that I wasn't very Enlightened if I didn't stay in peaceful balance 24 hours of every day.

The Moon gives me good advice when she says, "Evolve, revolve, pass through all your phases. Stay in each phase as long as necessary, not longer. Don't fret if you don't feel you've stayed in a phase long enough...you'll come back to it soon enough. Enjoy, release what you have to release, and move on. That is Peace, too."

There is no "one twoo way" to Enlightenment. Especially for those of us more comfortable in the shadows.