balance

I haven't been around for a couple of months because I haven't been sure what to talk about. My life has felt quite empty for the past few months. Spiritually, I've been more in the Earth element than the Air element (and I generally live in the Air). As a result, I've been doing things, trying things, touching parts of myself that I didn't know I had.

As a result, I've been knowingly helping a guy cheat on his girlfriend.

As atypical as that is for me, I don't feel badly about it. In the past, such an act would have violated many, many parts of my soul and heart and my head wouldn't have been able to wrap itself around the concept. But, at this present time, I've needed the experience.

For many moons, my soul has been quiet. I've tried activating it, but nothing has worked. Until this little affair. This affair has stirred me in some unexpected ways. I don't know what I thought would happen, but I certainly didn't think I'd drudge up all this pain.

Because this man is not mine, because he's a jerk to his girlfriend, because he wants to dominate and control me, because he thinks it's what I want from him, because he wants me more than I'll ever want him, because...

I have felt comfortable with him. He was a secret desire that I never acted upon and never admitted to myself that I even wanted. For a year, I'd see him and publicly despise him and he'd look in my eyes and see my want. He says he loves my eyes. He says they look exotic, strange. Then he says that maybe that's because of the things I think.

Maybe it is.

Truth be told, I think some fucked up shit. I am full of positivity and light, but I am also full of shadows and death. At times my cup runneth over. The shadows spill out. The death looks so becoming. And, I find a man to smother with it all.

Lucky him. He loves the sex. He loves the kissing. He loves the fighting.

I love that I'm letting it out. All this pain and sorrow and despair. It has no place to go without him. I dislike him and need him at the same time. In him, I've found a safe place to put my lower vibrations. And, since that is who he is, he can take it. He has no problem with it.

He reminds me a lot of my ex-husband. That same darkness of soul. Until him, I always wondered why people like that existed. Now, I think I understand. I use him. I relieve myself with him. And, he won't be any worse for the wear. I can put all my negativity upon him and it won't damage him.

What a useful little human. What an ingenious invention these assholes were.

My body craves him because my soul craves the relief.

My soul craves him because my body craves the relief.

My head is tired of it all. My head wants out. And, since my soul has finally come back to life, I can release him. If I stay with him too long, it'll go too far. The shadows will overtake me and I honestly like the light. I don't want to be totally in the dark. One foot in, one foot out...that's the way for me.