community

Ee gads. I really need to learn to let some things go.

Years ago, after the birth of my fourth child, I volunteered to coordinate a forum for the UU church I was attending. It turned out that dealing with the people who had coordinated it in the past (and who didn't want to coordinate it that year) annoyed the hell out of me, so I baled. They ended up not having the forum that year. I felt guilty.

Now, I'm working on getting back involved in my community and I'm afraid I'll flake, again. I'm going to take it slowly this time...no jumping in with both feet naive to the ways of the folks already around.

I went to a civil rights meeting tonight for the first time in years. I didn't know anyone, but there were only five other people there, so it was okay. I'm going to volunteer in the PRIDE events coming up. We'll see how I vibe with these people and go from there.

Note to self: Go slowly!

I like to just jump in and go. I get bored easily and quickly, so if I can't find a way to be super-useful immediately, I take my toys...er, talents and go home. One thing I feel life is trying to teach me is patience.

But, I don't have the patience for patience.

We'll see how this goes. The folks I met tonight seemed cool. A couple stayed behind after the meeting and chatted with me. When I sit back and think about my interactions with people I can see how overwhelming I am. Intensity is a double-edged sword.

the anti-chri...er, feminist

Apparently, True Women belong in the kitchen. Or where ever the man tells 'em to wait.

That's all I'm going to say because now I want to smack somebody.

i feel

basement
bottom
bottomfeeder
you

laugh
sigh
cry
you

hatred
anger
disillusionment
you

you
evicted
get out

forever

New Moon in Taurus

Taurus. That beautiful horn-of-plenty.

This New Moon is the perfect time to wish for things related to money, satisfaction, and sex. (Was that redundant?) Also, if you want to work on patience, this is a surprisingly good time to do it. The Rule of Opposites and all that, seeing that Taureans are notoriously impatient and stubborn, if you ask me. (I know patience is a supposed Taurus Virtue, but I find that being able to wait excessively while storing up aggression is not the same as patience.)

I will definitely take advantage of this New Moon. Tonight, when it's nice and dark out, I will sit and focus on things I want to improve that Taurus energy can help me with.

While it is generally accepted that Aries is now the beginning of the zodiac, a friend and I once found a source that said Taurus used to be the beginning and that makes so much sense, energy-wise.

For more about that, you can visit our blog: Astrology Mommy. It's in its beginning stages, but we're drumming up posts as we can in our busy lives.

lifepath

I just finished watching a documentary called 5 Girls. The doc follows five teen girls who are experiencing life and dealing with finding their place in this world (specifically the USA, Chicago-area) as females. It was interesting, but dredged up a pain.

When I was in high school, it was expected that I'd go to college afterward. I wasn't a first-generation college student and not attending college wasn't an option. During my junior year, I applied to the college I wanted to go to more than anything in the world: Hampton University.

I got accepted. In case I hadn't gotten accepted, I had also applied to other HBCUs that would do in a pinch. I got accepted to all of them, as well. When my mother made a fuss about me attending the colleges I wanted to go to (none of them were acceptable to her, although she, my father, and my father's side of the family had all attended HBCUs), I applied to colleges in Chicago, thinking I could stay at home and still go to school. That option held some appeal because I was scared of leaving home. I had no idea how to take care of myself.

My mother, being who she was, made sure I understood that she would not help me get into any of the universities I wanted to attend. She forced me to go to Purdue University and I went because I had a problem. I honestly didn't know how to lead a self-directed life. I didn't know how to live outside of my head.

Because of that single decision, her decision to disallow me my dreams, my life has taken on fractures. I'm not saying I haven't been happy. I have. I have enjoyed life in spite of the fact that when I needed support the most, it was kept from me. I was taught to be afraid of life, to not go after what I want in life, and to take what's handed to me, whether or not it's good for me.

Those are difficult lessons to unlearn.

It's taken me about fifteen years, but I think I finally know how to support myself, regardless of environment. I can go through the motions, anyway. But, deep inside, I'm still very unsure of where I'm going or what I'm doing. Inside, I still feel like that eighteen year old girl who needed more than her environment was willing to give.

Watching that documentary caused me to wonder how my life would have been different if my mother had encouraged and supported my dreams. How would my life have been different if I hadn't grown accustomed to being dominated and controlled by outside forces?

Because I don't ever want my children to experience the pain of an unsupportive parent, I argue with their father. But, that pain is there, anyway. There's nothing I can do about it, now. The time to control that was pre-conception. Now, all I can do is support them in their dreams and let them know that I will always be here to help them.

And, what if that's still not enough?

education or schooling? yes, you have to make a choice.

While watching an old 20/20 report on the incompetence of public schooling in the USA, I encountered an anti-homeschooling comment. The comment, as is typical for anti-homeschooling sentiment, dwelled on the lack of social skills homeschooled kids have.

Here is the problem with that idea: if you meet enough people in life, you will meet lots of people who lack social finesse. The public schools are full of kids who lack social skills. What is the benefit of teaching your child that it's normal and/or acceptable to bully people, to form cliques based upon being mean and exclusive, and to respect disrespectful authority figures?

Are those part of the reality of life? Unfortunately. So many folks had a problem with school when they were forced to attend, but don't seem to understand that the socialization process standardized by "normal schooling" in the United States of America is detrimental to the formation of a healthy society.

If you meet a homeschooled kid who seems to lack the ability to handle the dysfunction in the world, that is a good thing. If you meet a homeschooled kid who seems to have trouble befriending the conniving and asinine kids others produce, that is a good thing. If you meet a homeschooled kid who isn't going to accept your authority over her or him simply because you're older, that is a good thing.

People know how we generally socialize is messed up, but people are also creatures of habit. What is so great about normalizing poor habits? If homeschooling is a threat to the establishment, a threat to the regular ways of acting in life, I'm okay with that.

Anyone who isn't okay with that is not high on my list of people to care about. And, if homeschooled kids don't seem to want to talk to you or your children, maybe it's a better use of your mind to try to figure out what you're presenting that's distasteful, instead of automatically assuming the homeschooled child has a problem.

We don't need another generation of selfish, mob-mentality jerks. Besides, I was under the impression that school was about getting an education in math, grammar, science, and the like. If your main concern for homeschooled kids is their socialization, perhaps you need to take a better look at the society you're in.

can you hate what you understand?

Pride Month

April is Pride Month for the LGBTQ community and my town has events set up almost every day.

Tonight, I attended a bisexuality forum, but I guess I'm more educated on the issue than I realized because I didn't learn anything new.

Wait. I take that back. I learned about the Klein Sexuality Grid.

I was all excited about it, too. I came home and googled it, thinking I'd have an online quiz to take. Because I love online quizzes. But, no. No quiz.

Figures.

Queers want to give so much sexual fluidity, they won't even box you in by online quiz. Gah!

PETA, the PITA

I recently watched I Am An Animal: the story of Ingrid Newkirk and PETA. Well, I'll be honest. I half-watched it. After a while, I felt I got the picture and the picture was nasty.

I watched it because I've never understood PETA. I know they're a controversial group and I've seen video footage of them going too far (in my opinion), but I wanted to really understand their perspective. And, I didn't want to read a book in order to do so.

The video had some disturbing footage, but that was to be expected because their goal is to keep animals from getting mistreated and killed. I made sure I was in the correct frame of mind to watch abuse and then I made sure there was daylight outside when I sat down to enjoy the DVD.

Another reason I wanted to watch the DVD and understand more about PETA was because I'm a big, ol' animal hypocrite. I think animals exist for their own reasons and we should try our hardest to live life in a manner that doesn't infringe upon their freedoms. I think they should be treated with some respect and compassion. Which is why I have a slight problem with housepets.

But, I also think animals taste delicious. (Some of them, anyway.) And, I struggle with this. (Some of the time, anyway.)

Mostly, I don't think it's a big deal to eat animals. They're living things. Okay. So are plants and I'm not about to stop eating them. They have feelings. Okay. I happen to think plants have something akin to feelings, too. Or at least, they also act within whatever energy paradigm feelings operate within. I think that's why certain types of music helps their growth and certain types hinder their growth. (No, they're not sentient beings, but hopefully you get my drift.)

So, I wanted to see what PETA had to say about animals in order to help prompt my return to vegetarianism. Or not.

The result: there will be no change in my diet. I just don't see the point, as I do my best to be appreciative of the animals whose lives make my meals tastier and I seek out more humane meat markets. I also try not to eat a lot of meat.

But, another unexpected result: my self-talk on this issue has become gentler.

See, I like to walk my talk. I know that thinking all animals should be free to roam the Earth as they see fit and we should treat them with respect and thinking that I like to eat them may seem incongruous. But, I've decided that it's not, because I truly appreciate the animals whose bodies become part of mine. I thank them for their energy and respect the fact that a life was taken to enhance mine.

Maybe that will make no sense to some people, but it makes sense to me. Eating meat is not out of alignment with who I am right now.

I've always made a practice of thanking the farmers, plants, animals, Earth, and Sun when I eat. I teach my kids to practice this acknowledgment and appreciation. And, I think that doing so keeps the energy in our foods clear.

I won't kill an animal for sport. I think that's pretty morbid. I don't even like to kill insects when I can help it.

And so I do appreciate PETA's efforts. There are some despicable practices going on in our world with regard to animals. I'm very happy organizations like PETA exist.

I'm also very happy frog legs taste like chicken.

amethyst

I'm working with amethyst, again.

Amethyst is in the quartz family and is regarded as a good crystal to work with when overcoming addictions. (I find it cute that there is a company called Amethyst, Inc. that's geared toward helping women overcome addictions, violence, and poverty.) It's also good for helping with psychic abilities.

What am I using it for? Clarity of thought.

I think. It's what I do, who I am. Thinker. As such, I get overwhelmed at times. So many thoughts, so little time! When I'm feeling like I need my thinking to be extra-clear and subsequently, uber-beneficial, I put my big amethyst crystal in my pocket.

I like the passivity of putting it in my pocket and going about my day. I trust that it's helping and I don't need to sit and meditate with it. I notice that when I do that, I have an easier time staying true to my goals. That's a problem of mine. Focus/discipline. I can easily be led astray. And, I usually enjoy it.

Lately, though, I really want to accomplish certain goals I've set for myself and so...in the pocket it goes. Sometimes, I think it's like carrying around a portable Spirit Guide. The "Good Angel". She's not on my shoulder, she's in my jean pocket.

Of course, there are times when I meditate with it. I close my hands around it and sit. Think. Sit. Think. Get up and go about my business. Those times have gotten rarer, though, as I find I benefit most from crystal-work when I'm active.

I guess it's no coincidence (or surprise) that this stone is the February birth stone. Aquarians are known for contemplation. I think I'll re-start my crystal study. I now wonder what the connection is with all birthstones and astrological sun sign.

what's your story?

We all have a story. Or, rather, many stories.

We tell ourselves things about what we’re going through, what we think of other people, how we should live our lives, how we would live our lives if only…

Lots and lots of stories.

Sometimes, I sit and wonder what life would be like if there were no stories. If I just lived in the Now and behaved as if the Past and the Future didn’t exist, how would my life be different? What would change within me? What would change outside of me?

I sit and I wonder and an answer comes to me. What would change? Nothing. Because the fact is that I’m not as significant as I like to tell myself. I say that I do such-and-such because I choose to do it, but what if such-and-such is choosing to get accomplished through me? What if I’m not the one in control?

I like to think I’m a servant of Life. It’s possible I only exist to be used. Some say we are only here so that Source can experience itself. I believe that. And, because I believe that, I agree that nothing we do is horrible. But, that doesn’t mean it lacks meaning. That doesn’t mean it lacks significance. It is inherently significant because it happens at all. Simultaneously, it is inherently insignificant because the purpose is simply to exist. To be. And, that means that no matter what happens, the situation and outcome are acceptable.

I could be wrong. After all, this is a story. And, what if there is no such thing as non-fiction?

(un)bound

"tied up and twisted
the way I'd like to be
for you, for me, come crash
into me" -Dave Matthews Band, Crash Into Me

For so long it seemed Lust was easier
for Love...

Love comes
but warrants no behavior
no reaction
nothing at all

Lust can be fathomed
can be tamed
can be comprehended the way only stars and moons and suns can

but Love

what is Love if not pain?
either joyful
or tormenting
neither unrequited
nor reciprocal
Love exists

Lust

Love

matters not which you prefer
one will lead to the other
as long as you mind your own business

the wheels keep a-turnin'

For the past few months, I've been focusing on my chakras. When I feel stressed or my energy feels overwhelming (you know the feeling--I must do something, but I don't know what), I sit and focus on making sure my chakras are clear.

The way I think of chakras is that they're energy centers in your body that operate a lot like wheels connected by chains. Sometimes, they get gunk in them, slowing them down, keeping the wheels from turning smoothly. In those moments, it's my job to go in and de-gunk.

When I de-gunk my chakras, I focus on two things: light and motion. I start with focusing on light, because the easiest way for me to visualize energy is by seeing light in my mind's eye. Sometimes I start at the top of my head (the Crown chakra) and sometimes I start at my tailbone (the Root chakra). The process is the same no matter what: imagine myself connected to Source energy (which formulates as either yellow or white light in my mind) and then bring that Source energy into my body through whichever chakra I'm starting with and use it to "clean" the energy of that chakra.

I move through my body this way. Once one chakra's brilliance matches that of the Source energy/light I started with, I move to the next chakra. When I finish cleaning the last chakra, I begin, again, in the opposite direction, only this time I focus on movement.

When I work on getting the chakras moving, I visualize a wheel in whichever chakra I'm working with. I imagine myself turning that wheel with my mind (not my hands...I never visualize myself in human form when working with my chakras). Sometimes, it takes a while for the wheel to speed up, but I'm patient. I know that eventually it will turn faster and when it does, I am patient while it gets to a speed I feel is healthy for the moment.

Sometimes, I encounter a wheel that is already spinning too quickly. I sit patiently with myself while it slows down. I don't talk to myself in these moments, but I do concentrate on the turning wheel and visualize my energy forcing it to move a bit slower. It seems that I'm dispursing the abundant supply of energy in that wheel, because I know I send energy either up or down a chakra path when I'm doing this.

I visit each chakra, acknowledging the speed of the wheel and changing it when necessary. (Some chakras are already at the exact speed and/or brilliance they need to be at in that moment.) Then, when I reach the last chakra, again, I sit for a moment and do a full-body scan of sorts, where I'm checking to make sure everything seems balanced, open, and clear.

This has made a huge difference in my ability to handle stress. Even if the stressor is still present after this chakra cleaning (and it usually is), I find that I tend to focus on the brightness of the light within me instead of the problem I'm facing. Because of that, I am able to meet the stressor with more compassion and peace and love. Because of that, I don't re-stress myself.

It's a gift to myself as well as others. And, I appreciate that.

treasure? yes, please.

So, it's Treasure Map time and I completed mine last Sunday. After doing one for a few years, I finally found my stride and I'm pretty pleased with what resulted.


It's not full of beautiful pictures, but the imagery is there all the same. I am a Words Chick. Anyone who knows me knows that. As such, I have had problems with Treasure Mapping in the past because I would see other people's maps and think, Is that what my Map should look like?

The answer finally came to me this year: NO.

My Treasure Map cannot contain a lot of pictures because I am a very literal person. If I see a picture of something on my Treasure Map, my mind instantly goes into Do-We-Really-Want-To-Manifest-That? mode and it fuddles my energy. I cannot have pictures that simply represent what I want. The pictures have to be what I want or not. Period.

And, so, I use words. I've always had some words on my Maps, but this year, as you can see, it is almost 100% words. I have three pictures and those pictures are things with which, should they manifest, I will be 100% happy. I like the house, the car is a Camry (I loooove Toyotas!), and the gate is a gated entrance for a home. I've always preferred private, gated entrances to properties.

The rest? Words that resonate. This year, I am focusing on finding the Love of My Life, acquiring Mad Wealth, and moving into a New & Better Home. I focused on those three things, because...well, they chose me, really. I stood over the posterboard and that's what came out.

I am really excited about this year. I feel like I finally have the energy to achieve everything I want. I can fulfill my dreams this year. It's a very powerful feeling. It's a very loving feeling. I am full of Hope, Wonder, and Vitality.

Power stuff, that. Powerful stuff.

April Fools!

Okay, in the spirit of April Fools Day, I am going to diverge from seriousness and introspection and go straight to the tequila. Ready? Here we go...

Wanna know the possible origins of the day and how others maybe do it? Ask Wikipedia. It could be wrong, but how would you know, anyway? It's best not to worry about it.

Looking for kid-friendly pranks? Go no further. (I especially like the one about supergluing coins to the ground. I should try that. Tomorrow.)

And, just because I love onions: Good reading.

Now that we're good and drunk on the superficial things in life, let's find healthier ways to cope. Twilight fan-fic, anyone?