this is where the healing begins

I believe that thoughts create our realities, and, yet, I've acted victimized by my thoughts of late.

I wonder why that is so.

If I get to choose the thoughts I hold on to, why hold on to ones that don't serve me well? Reading chapter four in Louise Hay's book, You Can Heal Your Life, I am confronted with my pattern of self-harm. She compares choosing thoughts to being in a buffet line and then says, "Now, if you choose thoughts that will create problems and pain, that's rather foolish. It's like choosing food that always makes you ill. We may do this once or twice, but as soon as we learn which foods upset our bodies, we stay away from them."

That's what she thinks.

That passage resonated because I, indeed, choose foods that harm my body on a pretty regular basis. A few times a year, I binge on dairy, a food my body no longer tolerates well. It turns into vaginal madness and it's both unnecessary and unwelcome. Yet, I do it anyway. Sometimes, I get angry that my food choices are so limited. I want to be able to eat the processed, crappy foods sometimes. And, some form of dairy is in all the ones I prefer. So, I binge.

I was working on my thoughts about dairy, since I know the problem is more spiritual than physical (well, what problem isn't, right?), but I got away from being that present and at one with my body and I now am dealing with things I'd rather not share, thanks. My mind got me into it and my mind (with the aid of a few over the counter products) will get me out, but that's not the point.

The point is that if I'll do this with food, why won't I do it with thoughts?

I've decided umteen times to be the change I wish to see in the world. Why doesn't it stick? Why do I later choose to be the lazy I wish to see in the world? Perhaps I am just human, stuck in the ebb and flow of life.

But, honestly, I know I'm above all this back and forth. I know I can stay away from both foods and thoughts that harm my body. I know I can choose thoughts that benefit me more often than thoughts that harm me. I know I can heal my life.

So mote it be.

letting go

There are very few things I have a difficult time releasing. I'm one of those naturally unattached people. It has occasionally been the reason for conflict with others, but I don't see the problem with it. (Must be more of that unattachment.)

There are some things, though, that annoy me and I can't seem to detach from the thoughts I have about them. For instance...my treadmill.

I bought my treadmill b/c I had wanted one for years and wanted to be able to walk whenever I felt like it w/o leaving my house. Two very good reasons, I think. And, I've used it plenty in the last year. Plenty. But, for some odd reason, I get pangs of guilt whenever I don't want to get up and workout on it every morning. Guilt leads to regret and regret has always seemed to me to be a pointless activity. Yet. Yet! I can't seem to release this particular mindfuck. (I don't know what else to call it. It's my self talk that's the problem. Not the treadmill or my life or my body, etc. Just my thoughts.)

If this thought process was about anything other than my treadmill, I'd say, "Self, get over it. If your body wants to do something your mind resists, give in to your body and see where that takes you." Why can't I do this? Why is this not so simple?

I have no idea.

I used to do it. I used to get out of bed every morning and walk/run on the treadmill whether I felt like it or not. After all, feelings are inconsequential. They fluctuate too much to base a life upon them. When I fight my productive thoughts, I generally feel anxious as a result. And, that's what's happening now, I suppose, b/c working out on the treadmill is a "good" thing. It's of benefit.

I just don't want to do it.

I decided to do the yoga and pilates instead. The treadmill called to me. I decided to stay in bed and lounge around instead. The treadmill called to me. I decided to get on here and blog about it instead. That damn treadmill won't shut up!

I'm just going to do it. *sigh* Obviously, the power the treadmill has over my heart is tremendous. As I type this, my mind is saying, "Yaaaaay!"

Traitor.