time

Time is an interesting subject. We tell ourselves all sorts of stories about it, many of them untrue. The way we think of time is fascinating because it's an unreal thing we like to assign real qualities to. I mean, sure we have the day and the night, but what does that really mean when we've got billions of them? People like to speak about when the end of the world comes, but what does that really mean "the end of the world"? It'd be more honest to talk about the end of our desire to be part of the world. And, one or 5,000 can't make that decision for all of us, so why do we even think about it?

There are so many layers when you start talking about time.

I've been friends with this one chick for about 2 years. Our friendship started b/c she was in my math class and she sat down next to me and gave me all her contact information and her medical background. She wanted me to contact her with assignments, etc. if she was ever absent and she wanted me to know all the various reasons why she'd ever be absent. I never called her with assignments when she was absent. I'm not sure why...I just never thought about her unless she was there. She wanted to be my friend, anyway. I liked that she was single and available to go out and party with me.

During our time together, I have cut her off twice. She's annoying and needy and desperate. I like her, but she's cloying. She needs more than I feel comfortable offering. I've always felt guilty about cutting her off, tho. I felt uncomfortable with the decision. Recently, I cut her off, again. This time permanently, b/c I've been half-listening (maybe even quarter-listening) to everything she tells me and I've come to realize that I truly don't care about her, anymore. I don't care about her love problems or her health problems or her family problems or anything. And, I don't want to be in her sphere.

There is no guilt.

Up until now, I'd mostly been thinking about myself with regard to her. I'd been thinking about how I wouldn't want a friend who did (), I would feel badly if (), I would like (). But, this time, I was thinking of her. Funny how being more considerate of someone else's feelings can lead you to do something that will likely hurt those very same feelings. I figure she deserves better than what I'm prepared to offer her. We can't be lifelong friends if I want her to shut up every time she opens her mouth. She deserves someone who truly cares about her health and her relationship with her boyfriend.

I'm simply not good enough for her. And, I'm okay with that. I don't want to be good enough for her. I feel like I've given her two years to show who she truly is and what she's given me is not something I want to subscribe to.

It's awfully selfish, yet wonderfully compassionate. I know she notices my disinterest. She'll ask me several times during a single conversation if I'm still there. She's the sort of person who is willing to overlook such things. And, up until the other day, I was the sort of person who was willing to dish it out. I feel a little dirty admitting it. How utterly pathetic of me. And, yet...we're humans, after all. This is what we do sometimes.

Time is such an interesting concept. Two years with her, 8 months with someone else, 6 months with what's passed for the Love of 2008. And, now...all gone. One day, it will be five years without her, 20 months without someone else, 6 years since the Love of 2008. And, what does it mean?

They say time waits for no man. Today, that feels like the most wonderful promise.