virginity restored

Yesterday, I sat reading The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries and got to an interesting part about a group of women who used to bathe post-copulation as part of the process of restoring their virginity. Obviously, their definition of "virgin" extended beyond the one touted in our patriarchal society and that led me to thinking about rituals I engage in to restore mine, if there were any. I have never valued virginity on the whole, so that little mental exercise didn't last very long.

Then, last night, I was bored and restless, so I hung out with a guy I know. Being around a male who is available for sex always gets me to thinking about sex. It's not miraculous, but it confounds me nevertheless. As I sat there, I was once again surprised to note that he was not sexually appealing to me at all. And, then...I started confessing my recent sexual history to him.

In the past, I've annoyed males with my ability and desire to discuss prior sexual experiences and mates with them. Most of the men I've known haven't been comfortable with it and that's always surprised me (I guess I'm slow to accept it) because I love to hear about other people's sexual escapades. Love it. Part of the fun of sex is in the discussions about it, IMO. If you can't talk about it, don't do it.

So, I'm sitting there, telling him about my sexual stupidities, my sexual strengths, my sexual inconsiderations, and I wonder why. The reason I would tell him these things is not as simple as he's "safe" b/c I don't want to have sex with him. I'd had plenty of sex with him since my last confessional. I doubted that it had to do with guilt or purging or wanting him to know what I'd been up to so he could get jealous or be impressed or anything emotional because I honestly don't care what he thinks about what I tell him, except that he should laugh when I'm being funny. And, my sex life is actually hilarious, so...he laughs.

This morning, I awoke to thoughts of restoring virginity. I thought more about what it means to restore a woman to her womanly state. I wondered if part of the concept of restoring virginity had to do with shedding the interaction with men, so as to be able to once again be a creature who is more than the more primitive parts of herself. You take the contribution and bless it (with water), recognizing it's inherent worth while simultaneously refusing to become beholden to it. Sex was never meant to be used against us.

And, so, I look at my tendency to discuss and offer up my sexual history and I wonder if it is part of my restoration and if I need or desire such a thing. Doesn't the use of "restore" imply that sex with men somehow taints us? Regardless of how I feel about that, I never want to become stingy with my sexuality. I offer it as I would any sacred offering: with love, joy, and the true desire to exalt. In doing so, I shed the man from my spirit, allowing him his freedom and reclaiming mine. In doing so, I shed societal expectations from my spirit, allowing it it's freedom and reclaiming mine. In doing so, I embrace the humanity in my womanhood, allowing it to smother and fill me.

Last night, I truly realized the trivial side of sex. I've always felt it to be both significant and insignificant (like, well...everything else), but last night, the triviality and I sat with each other for a while. And, this morning, I am refreshed as a result. Perhaps that is all that is meant by "restore."