Yesterday, I sat reading The Holy Book of Women's Mysteries and got to an interesting part about a group of women who used to bathe post-copulation as part of the process of restoring their virginity. Obviously, their definition of "virgin" extended beyond the one touted in our patriarchal society and that led me to thinking about rituals I engage in to restore mine, if there were any. I have never valued virginity on the whole, so that little mental exercise didn't last very long.
Then, last night, I was bored and restless, so I hung out with a guy I know. Being around a male who is available for sex always gets me to thinking about sex. It's not miraculous, but it confounds me nevertheless. As I sat there, I was once again surprised to note that he was not sexually appealing to me at all. And, then...I started confessing my recent sexual history to him.
In the past, I've annoyed males with my ability and desire to discuss prior sexual experiences and mates with them. Most of the men I've known haven't been comfortable with it and that's always surprised me (I guess I'm slow to accept it) because I love to hear about other people's sexual escapades. Love it. Part of the fun of sex is in the discussions about it, IMO. If you can't talk about it, don't do it.
So, I'm sitting there, telling him about my sexual stupidities, my sexual strengths, my sexual inconsiderations, and I wonder why. The reason I would tell him these things is not as simple as he's "safe" b/c I don't want to have sex with him. I'd had plenty of sex with him since my last confessional. I doubted that it had to do with guilt or purging or wanting him to know what I'd been up to so he could get jealous or be impressed or anything emotional because I honestly don't care what he thinks about what I tell him, except that he should laugh when I'm being funny. And, my sex life is actually hilarious, so...he laughs.
This morning, I awoke to thoughts of restoring virginity. I thought more about what it means to restore a woman to her womanly state. I wondered if part of the concept of restoring virginity had to do with shedding the interaction with men, so as to be able to once again be a creature who is more than the more primitive parts of herself. You take the contribution and bless it (with water), recognizing it's inherent worth while simultaneously refusing to become beholden to it. Sex was never meant to be used against us.
And, so, I look at my tendency to discuss and offer up my sexual history and I wonder if it is part of my restoration and if I need or desire such a thing. Doesn't the use of "restore" imply that sex with men somehow taints us? Regardless of how I feel about that, I never want to become stingy with my sexuality. I offer it as I would any sacred offering: with love, joy, and the true desire to exalt. In doing so, I shed the man from my spirit, allowing him his freedom and reclaiming mine. In doing so, I shed societal expectations from my spirit, allowing it it's freedom and reclaiming mine. In doing so, I embrace the humanity in my womanhood, allowing it to smother and fill me.
Last night, I truly realized the trivial side of sex. I've always felt it to be both significant and insignificant (like, well...everything else), but last night, the triviality and I sat with each other for a while. And, this morning, I am refreshed as a result. Perhaps that is all that is meant by "restore."
April 27, 2008
April 22, 2008
safety
As a society, we like to stress safety. We talk about it as if it's a physical thing we can move closer toward, when, really, it's an emotion. Some may argue that it's an idea, but the idea of it wouldn't be significant without the emotion that comes attached to it, so I say cut the middle talk. It's an emotion.
The thing about emotions is that they are inherently dynamic. Since they cannot help but to fluctuate, we understand that we may have to resolve the same issues over and over again. We understand that the choice to feel one way or another is one we have to make continually.
And, still, we like to act as if we can get to a particular emotion and stay there endlessly. We like to say things like, "I just want to be happy." as if it's a location on a map. If I just act this way and say these things and think these things, I'll find Happiness and what fun I'm going to have when I get there! It's utterly ridiculous, yet we do it all the time. Some of us more than others. The question, then, becomes: What are you going to feel in the meantime? Until you find Happiness, are you going to be sad, apathetic, angry, morose...what?
In thinking about safety, I find myself wondering: Until you feel safe, what are you going to feel in the meantime?
What a scary question. If you can't find it in yourself to feel safe now, when is it going to be safe to feel safe? (haha) Maybe never? Maybe next week? Maybe tomorrow? And, until then, you will feel how? I doubt you'll feel happy, because we equate safety and happiness with Positivity and if you are not already Positive, you must be Negative. That's very black-and-white, but I find that emotions tend to be such. If not one, then another. We may not always feel the opposite emotion, but we define emotions in oppositional language, so it will come up, eventually. If you are introspective enough for a long enough period of time, you will find that your emotional state will be seen as either positive or negative. It's the judging that makes the emotion meaningful.
There are folks who feel safer in feeling unsafe. Humans are creatures of habit and any emotion can become a habitual state. However, in the end, none of us sincerely strives to feel less than safe, I don't think. (Which is why those who go after the feeling of insecurity do so...to feel safe.)
Why do we cling this way to emotions? Is it truly inherent to being human? I still don't understand it and yet none of us seems immune. It feels safer to some of us to see the doctor for every sniffle, yet there are those who feel doctors add a level of danger to life. (There's even some overlap there. LOL) What helps one person feel safe is not always what helps another, as feelings are perceptions and opinions. They are not facts. There is no objectivity in discussing them, which is why it is said that feelings are never wrong.
To feel safe is possible. To be safe? Not so much. And, when you take into consideration that every moment you are alive, you are simultaneously dying, what importance does safety have?
Perhaps it is only a tool. And as with all tools, we must be careful how we use it.
The thing about emotions is that they are inherently dynamic. Since they cannot help but to fluctuate, we understand that we may have to resolve the same issues over and over again. We understand that the choice to feel one way or another is one we have to make continually.
And, still, we like to act as if we can get to a particular emotion and stay there endlessly. We like to say things like, "I just want to be happy." as if it's a location on a map. If I just act this way and say these things and think these things, I'll find Happiness and what fun I'm going to have when I get there! It's utterly ridiculous, yet we do it all the time. Some of us more than others. The question, then, becomes: What are you going to feel in the meantime? Until you find Happiness, are you going to be sad, apathetic, angry, morose...what?
In thinking about safety, I find myself wondering: Until you feel safe, what are you going to feel in the meantime?
What a scary question. If you can't find it in yourself to feel safe now, when is it going to be safe to feel safe? (haha) Maybe never? Maybe next week? Maybe tomorrow? And, until then, you will feel how? I doubt you'll feel happy, because we equate safety and happiness with Positivity and if you are not already Positive, you must be Negative. That's very black-and-white, but I find that emotions tend to be such. If not one, then another. We may not always feel the opposite emotion, but we define emotions in oppositional language, so it will come up, eventually. If you are introspective enough for a long enough period of time, you will find that your emotional state will be seen as either positive or negative. It's the judging that makes the emotion meaningful.
There are folks who feel safer in feeling unsafe. Humans are creatures of habit and any emotion can become a habitual state. However, in the end, none of us sincerely strives to feel less than safe, I don't think. (Which is why those who go after the feeling of insecurity do so...to feel safe.)
Why do we cling this way to emotions? Is it truly inherent to being human? I still don't understand it and yet none of us seems immune. It feels safer to some of us to see the doctor for every sniffle, yet there are those who feel doctors add a level of danger to life. (There's even some overlap there. LOL) What helps one person feel safe is not always what helps another, as feelings are perceptions and opinions. They are not facts. There is no objectivity in discussing them, which is why it is said that feelings are never wrong.
To feel safe is possible. To be safe? Not so much. And, when you take into consideration that every moment you are alive, you are simultaneously dying, what importance does safety have?
Perhaps it is only a tool. And as with all tools, we must be careful how we use it.
April 18, 2008
pride
I find pride to be one of those slippery topics. Many insist that "good people" aren't proud, but a huge part of healthy self-esteem is pride, so I always wonder why anyone would want to be considered "good" if you can't be both.
I guess the real issue is not pride, but too much pride. I'm never sure what quantity one has to have in order to have "too much," but there obviously is one. It's not objective, though. (As if an opinion could be.) "Too much pride" varies depending upon with whom you're dealing. And, since so many people are incredibly insecure, this can pose a problem for more confident people.
I've been called "cocky" a lot in my life. Mostly by males. Mostly by males attempting to subdue me in some way. I have been confused and amused by it, but in the end, it simply drove me away. "Cocky" is rarely seen as a compliment, although I'd think that patriarchal men saying a person acts as if s/he has a cock would be a good thing given how enamored males are of their cocks. But, it's not. If a person calls you cocky, s/he's insulting you. The degree of the insult depends on other attributes applied simultaneously. If you're cocky and sexy, you may get a break. (But, be prepared to be called an asshole later.) If you're cocky and dumb as hell, no one will want to be your friend (unless you come across folks who are dumber than you and subsequently equate cockiness with strength of character).
Relationships can be so complex.
"Cocky" is another word for proud. Being the introspective person I am, I've always wondered if I'm truly cocky. At the moment I'm called such, I get a bit indignant and tell the observer to fuck off, which I'm sure only strengthens the opinion. But, I know that my "problem" isn't pride, which is why saying such a thing to me is so insulting. It's usually said when I refuse to bow down to someone or feel lower than someone simply because he's a man. It's usually said when I am seen as being the more intelligent in the talking pair.
And, that's not said to be boastful or proud. Perceptions can be tricky things and opinions are nothing but perceptions. To another, I can never be more than that other perceives me to be. Period. If you view me negatively, you will be on the lookout for proof of your opinion almost constantly. Same for if you view me positively. That is our nature as observant, judgmental humans. I have no qualms with it, but as a discerning person, I choose what I will and will not subject myself to.
Today, I was reading about pride, why it's not beneficial, and ways to overcome it. The steps given were: learn to recognize your pride, express gratitude often, and learn to laugh at yourself. It's that third part that really touched me, because anyone who knows me knows I laugh at myself a lot. Not just a lot. A lot. I'm not into self-deprecation, but I can recognize when I'm being silly about something and if I happen to have a clumsy moment, I'm cracking up. I'm a serious person, but I don't take myself as seriously as others seem to like to take me.
So, this little blurb on pride says, "People who have the problem of pride rarely laugh at themselves. Engaging in humor at your own expense shows that pride isn't the problem, and that if it is, it's one you're determined to deal with!"
It felt uplifting to read that because I've never felt pride was a problem for me, but I do believe in looking at the observations of the ones around myself and learning from them. I'll admit that people who've called me cocky in the past didn't know me well (and attempting to insult me isn't going to help one on that path), but I truly believe that there is something to learn from every encounter.
One thing I've had trouble accepting is that sometimes the thing to learn from the encounter is that you're too good to keep interacting with that person. I guess I'll figure that one out soon.
I guess the real issue is not pride, but too much pride. I'm never sure what quantity one has to have in order to have "too much," but there obviously is one. It's not objective, though. (As if an opinion could be.) "Too much pride" varies depending upon with whom you're dealing. And, since so many people are incredibly insecure, this can pose a problem for more confident people.
I've been called "cocky" a lot in my life. Mostly by males. Mostly by males attempting to subdue me in some way. I have been confused and amused by it, but in the end, it simply drove me away. "Cocky" is rarely seen as a compliment, although I'd think that patriarchal men saying a person acts as if s/he has a cock would be a good thing given how enamored males are of their cocks. But, it's not. If a person calls you cocky, s/he's insulting you. The degree of the insult depends on other attributes applied simultaneously. If you're cocky and sexy, you may get a break. (But, be prepared to be called an asshole later.) If you're cocky and dumb as hell, no one will want to be your friend (unless you come across folks who are dumber than you and subsequently equate cockiness with strength of character).
Relationships can be so complex.
"Cocky" is another word for proud. Being the introspective person I am, I've always wondered if I'm truly cocky. At the moment I'm called such, I get a bit indignant and tell the observer to fuck off, which I'm sure only strengthens the opinion. But, I know that my "problem" isn't pride, which is why saying such a thing to me is so insulting. It's usually said when I refuse to bow down to someone or feel lower than someone simply because he's a man. It's usually said when I am seen as being the more intelligent in the talking pair.
And, that's not said to be boastful or proud. Perceptions can be tricky things and opinions are nothing but perceptions. To another, I can never be more than that other perceives me to be. Period. If you view me negatively, you will be on the lookout for proof of your opinion almost constantly. Same for if you view me positively. That is our nature as observant, judgmental humans. I have no qualms with it, but as a discerning person, I choose what I will and will not subject myself to.
Today, I was reading about pride, why it's not beneficial, and ways to overcome it. The steps given were: learn to recognize your pride, express gratitude often, and learn to laugh at yourself. It's that third part that really touched me, because anyone who knows me knows I laugh at myself a lot. Not just a lot. A lot. I'm not into self-deprecation, but I can recognize when I'm being silly about something and if I happen to have a clumsy moment, I'm cracking up. I'm a serious person, but I don't take myself as seriously as others seem to like to take me.
So, this little blurb on pride says, "People who have the problem of pride rarely laugh at themselves. Engaging in humor at your own expense shows that pride isn't the problem, and that if it is, it's one you're determined to deal with!"
It felt uplifting to read that because I've never felt pride was a problem for me, but I do believe in looking at the observations of the ones around myself and learning from them. I'll admit that people who've called me cocky in the past didn't know me well (and attempting to insult me isn't going to help one on that path), but I truly believe that there is something to learn from every encounter.
One thing I've had trouble accepting is that sometimes the thing to learn from the encounter is that you're too good to keep interacting with that person. I guess I'll figure that one out soon.
April 7, 2008
Age of Aquarius
This post is to remind me to research the Age of Aquarius. Again.
According to this site, we're in it. According to Wiki, the Mayans and astrologers had it starting in 2012, which is what I'd read and understood for many years prior to 2007. However, later in the page, Wiki gives the same dateline as the first site.
This guy says it shouldn't start until at least 2060, but acknowledges that it feels like we're already in it. This astrologer (I don't know what credentials, if any, s/he touts) says we've been in it since 1997!
Overall, I'm amused. I think I will start studying astronomy.
According to this site, we're in it. According to Wiki, the Mayans and astrologers had it starting in 2012, which is what I'd read and understood for many years prior to 2007. However, later in the page, Wiki gives the same dateline as the first site.
This guy says it shouldn't start until at least 2060, but acknowledges that it feels like we're already in it. This astrologer (I don't know what credentials, if any, s/he touts) says we've been in it since 1997!
Overall, I'm amused. I think I will start studying astronomy.
April 6, 2008
zeitgeist: the movie
If you haven't watched this (or even better, downloaded it for free), please do. I highly doubt you'll regret it, but if you do, let me know and I'll come visit you just to personally kiss your ass.
The only problem I had with it (it's highly entertaining) was that the ending seemed rushed. I didn't pay attention to whether or not they spent equal time on each part.
I downloaded it, tho, so I'll be watching it, again.
The only problem I had with it (it's highly entertaining) was that the ending seemed rushed. I didn't pay attention to whether or not they spent equal time on each part.
I downloaded it, tho, so I'll be watching it, again.
April 5, 2008
prayer
Today, I wondered about the different ways of praying throughout history. I mostly concerned myself with what various bodily positions there may be, so I googled "prayer positions" and was disappointed. Honestly, I expected more than loads of pages on Christian and Muslim prayer positions and ideas. It's not as if they have a monopoly on prayer. Just as I was about to change my search words, though, I came across this gem.
It took me a few seconds to understand Mr. Hall's way of thinking, but once I did, I was able to respect his comic genius. I especially loved #6, which reads:
6. It is nonsense to suggest that prayers of thanksgiving trump prayers of petition. We are children of God. What would you think of your own child if she always went about thanking, never asking, pestering? You would think, “What an obnoxious little goody two-shoes!”
I guess Mr. Hall thinks that people who are grateful without asking for things are something to be endured and tolerated, but not necessarily liked. What an interesting minister he must be! I would think that people who are appreciative of what they have and have no desire for more are fascinating, at least. It's very Buddhist, though, I guess and that's not really Mr. Hall's field of study.
He does go on to state in #10, "Ultimately, the question of prayer is the question of God: What kind of God do I believe in?"
Indeed. What a good point. What kind of God does Mr. Hall believe in? Obviously, his is more of the Great Father in the Sky variety (and who can blame him, really? this is the God of Abraham we're talking about), but I'm glad he puts that little tidbit in at the end so any readers of his blog can be reminded that they get to choose the sort of God they pray to, whether or not they believe in petitioning.
This is why it's so important to have more than one God, though, isn't it? There are so many different types of prayer and so many different moods in which to pray. The kind of God I thank one day may not be the one I want listening on my heart's desires the next.
Seems logical to me, anyway. But, then again, I've always thought the Trinity to be awfully pagan. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
It took me a few seconds to understand Mr. Hall's way of thinking, but once I did, I was able to respect his comic genius. I especially loved #6, which reads:
6. It is nonsense to suggest that prayers of thanksgiving trump prayers of petition. We are children of God. What would you think of your own child if she always went about thanking, never asking, pestering? You would think, “What an obnoxious little goody two-shoes!”
I guess Mr. Hall thinks that people who are grateful without asking for things are something to be endured and tolerated, but not necessarily liked. What an interesting minister he must be! I would think that people who are appreciative of what they have and have no desire for more are fascinating, at least. It's very Buddhist, though, I guess and that's not really Mr. Hall's field of study.
He does go on to state in #10, "Ultimately, the question of prayer is the question of God: What kind of God do I believe in?"
Indeed. What a good point. What kind of God does Mr. Hall believe in? Obviously, his is more of the Great Father in the Sky variety (and who can blame him, really? this is the God of Abraham we're talking about), but I'm glad he puts that little tidbit in at the end so any readers of his blog can be reminded that they get to choose the sort of God they pray to, whether or not they believe in petitioning.
This is why it's so important to have more than one God, though, isn't it? There are so many different types of prayer and so many different moods in which to pray. The kind of God I thank one day may not be the one I want listening on my heart's desires the next.
Seems logical to me, anyway. But, then again, I've always thought the Trinity to be awfully pagan. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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